Rare Blue

the other day
I acturally smiled.

it kind of amazed me.

im feelin positive.
free.
happy.

Im defintily fallin in love with myself
again...

lover's red

it hasn't been as Bad as it usually is
in fact i kind of forgot what day it was.
Even more shocking..
I canceled my date with the cup of Breyers I've became fond of.
But the nights still young...I might pick him up later on.


I've went to the prom by myself,
never been out on a date, or even been thought about as some one's girlfriend
No one ever liked me.
and im definitly a romantic.

It's not like im looking for much or expecting something phenomenal.
just someone just for me.

determination or better yet the color lime

im still concern about my future...

im pretty sure i want to be a journalist.

im pretty sure i want to go to london and study.

im pretty sure i want music to be a key factor in my life.

it's just achieving these goals is still a little blurry.

I just dont want last year to happen this year.

I dont want to be get EXCITED..just to be knocked down again.

so this year I am NOT stopping.

even if I have to whore or kill someone

I WILL have the MONEY

Orange

im at home , in my room

listenin to this adele track

and realizing what's wrong with me.

I'm a loser.

that's how i feel, that's how i look, that's how i dress.

I feel like i'm at the end of my road and there's a cliff i need to jump off.

I guess I'll admit I've felt suicidal for that past 6 months.

Like there's no purpose to my life.

I've felt like i don't matter for the longest, it's just saying it that makes it hurt more.

This space i occupy, isn't me.

These conversations i have with people i speak to, doesn't interest me.

I've wanted to run away and I still do.

To finally be able to breath....wow. it would be great.

This is pottery class

and my lifes on the table

and everyone's molding me

trying to shape their ideas on it

before it stops spinning

but isn't it mine?

that's why im a loser.

I don't stand up for myself enough.

or i guess love myself enough.

i guess that comes with a shattered dream.

But i'll try again.

Today i'm Orange.